Freedom

Photo Credit - Animesh Nautiyal

Freedom - such a wonderful word but sometimes it seems out of reach and I don't even need to search outside for the power controlling me. It's within, restraining me from living the life I desire.

Sometimes when it rains I want to dance in rain
  but... a hesitation...oh what will people say...I am not a kid

Sometimes I just want to sing aloud....
  but...a complex... my voice is not so perfect

Sometimes I wish to write boldly
  but...my comfort zone pulls me back

Sometimes I wish to call an old friend I haven't talked in ages
    but a thousand thoughts clutter my mind, like,  she may wonder why after so long...

Thousands of wishes are, alas, crushed under thousands of such unreasonable reasons.

And sometimes we think someone is controlling us, but again we are wrong. It is not the other person who controls us, it is our desire to make them happy, our fear of losing them, our fear of conflict, that actually controls us.

The chains restraining me are inside me and freedom is just a few steps away, but only if I dare to take the first step.

Did you ever dare to take that first step?

Three Little Words

It’s all over – he said and left without looking back to see the effect of those three little words which he knew would change her life, the words that were still not able to overpower the three little words he said long back – I love you – three meaningless, lifeless, hollow words, as they seemed now.

She was left on the boundary of love and hate, dreams and reality, hope and despair, to fight it all; alone. She stood on that edge for very long in the hope of it all being a nightmare, in the hope she would wake up and still find him beside her. She stood on that edge for long with love in her heart that was losing itself bit by bit to hatred. It was painful to carry so much love, to carry so much hatred but worse to carry them both - both on extremes.

                                

Suddenly all the sweet memories that she had treasured started to haunt her, she wanted to erase it all and wipe out the unbearable pain in a moment. But harsh reality stays, people change in a moment, promises are broken in a moment, it takes a moment to hurt, but a lifetime to heal.

Days passed in the effort of holding the tears and nights passed in wetting the pillows. She kept talking to herself as there was no one else to do so. In those moments of loneliness, she met a part of herself that was yet not known to her. The strength hidden beneath her broken heart became her new friend. And slowly her newly discovered strength started mending her heart until finally she promised herself “No one in the world can hurt me without my consent. Life is made of moments. I can’t afford to lose life to moments.”  She decided to cross the boundary, leaving behind the memories and carrying ahead dreams of future, leaving behind mistrust and carrying ahead faith, leaving behind all the hatred and carrying ahead love, for herself more than anyone else.

She realised – it was over, but not her life. It was just a new beginning. Three little words were still with her – Hope, faith and Love.

Time is a Businessman

The tiny drops dancing on my balcony and my childhood photo album in my hand, it pulled me to a faraway world and I meekly surrendered. I met a stranger there. It was me.

And looking at her I thought about time, which bit by bit, stole her.

Time is a perfect businessman, at every turn, it give us something, but not without taking away a bit from us.

He traded

My innocence for maturity

My vulnerability for strength

My careless laughs for thoughtful smiles

My crazy dreams for real ambitions

And as time passed, I became a little more rational, a little more practical, a little more mature.

But... a little less me.

And a time came I couldn’t cry as I used to, laugh as I used to and sometimes even love as I used to.

The layers of different seasons that covered us are too hard, too deep to dig into to find the real us. And sometimes in a moment of solitude when we are just about to reach ourselves, we are pulled back by work, kids or the practical world around us and we are just consumed by another demand of life.

And the stranger slowly drifts back into the mist of time.

Memories

Photo Credit - Asha Dimri

So true are the words said above, the world of memories is a puzzle. So far, yet so near...so real yet so surreal. It often plays hide and seek with our busy routines. Mostly present take over those memories but there are moments when those memories bounce back so profoundly that we forget every priority and surrender meekly to them. At times it feels like a shadow, it follows us where ever we go, a part of us that in an instant lives within us and in other leaves us.

A faint memory of my school days that still brings a smile to my face is of my school friend, Sheela. I was in 3rd or 4th standard, I don’t remember exactly. I forgot to keep my compass box that day. When I asked her if she has an extra pencil she smilingly handed me her pencil. After some time when I turned back, I saw she was just sitting. When asked, why she was not taking down the notes, she innocently replied “I had only one pencil’. That incident introduced me to a whole new relationship with her. It was innocence of childhood that she didn’t bother to miss her notes, that made me wait for her in the middle of running competition, that made our relation precious than our ambitions.  Her father was transferred in a short while. I was too small to realise that once lost I won’t be able to regain her contact. The only thing I realized at that time was the pain of departing. As much as I missed her I couldn’t regain her contact. Thanks to facebook it has reunited me with many lost friends but not Sheela, I don’t ever remember her last name, I spent hours searching for her just to feel disappointed and accept that she is no more a part of my life. And I am left only with faded memories of her innocent face and her two little knots tied in red ribbons - and of course our indefinable bonding.

Other faint memory I would like to share is of our little puppy; it was a street dog that I and my friend Dipali fed every day. We created a small house for him. Making him sleep in a blanket became a routine. Waking up early in the morning and rushing outside to see if he was safe became our biggest excitement, which we eventually lost when we lost him in a road accident. Days passed before I stopped crying, months passed before life became normal, years passed before I could forget his appearance but no time could steal his sweet memories from me.

These are just snapshots from the album of my memories - some sweet, some sour, of people who are still a part of my life, of people whom destiny took apart. I envy time, it has all those hidden moments captured in its existence; well, although it can take away the moments from me but memories are mine. It’s my little world wherein I can live everything I desired, I treasured, I lost. Shattered dreams, moments of joy, tears, laughter everything comes alive in a moment – it’s a world that I can visit but not stay. After all, memories are like tides and shores are like present; the tide comes and touches its shores, and moves back leaving it wet.

A Short Love Story

Photo Credit - Asha Dimri

It was Valentine’s day, a day for which Ronit waited for quite long. He decided he would express his love to Ria. Somewhere deep down he knew she loved her too, though he couldn’t make out from when or from where. First moment he felt her love was when he was blamed for a political scam in college and everyone doubted him except Ria. Though he later proved he wasn’t the culprit Ria already trusted him and trust needed no proof.

Why Ronit called her to meet in the garden? Ria wondered as she decided on what to wear for the special day. She was almost sure he would propose her. When she lost her mother two years back she lamented for too long and slowly everyone close to her drifted away. They were tired of her whining, but not Ronit. He stood by her. At times his words provided her the courage to move on and at times his silence was her support.

The weather was wonderful when they met in the garden. The sweet fragrance of the flower bed, the calm breeze, love birds loitering around holding hands added to the charm of the weather. Ronit wanted to say a thousand things – he wanted to tell her how much he loved her, her smile meant the world to him, every moment of separation was a suffering for him. But words failed him.

“You wanted to say something?” Ria asked when it was time to depart.

“Just wanted to wish you Happy Valentine’s day. You will be my friend forever. Right?”

“Of course. I never thought you could doubt that.” She couldn’t make it more than a whisper.

They walked out of the garden, from the romantic atmosphere to the busy street. It was loud and noisy but Ria was too lost to hear it, the noise inside her was more disturbing. How could she be wrong in understanding him?  Were her friends’ right when they said he had a thing for Prerna? How could she accept that? Suddenly a strong grasp pulled her out of her reverie.

“What the hell you were thinking about?” she found Ronit shouting at her.

“What?” she responded as she looked around. She found the bus conductor shouting obscenities at her.

 “How can you be so careless? How can you miss seeing such a huge bus, what were you thinking about?”

She was shocked as she had never heard Ronit shouting at her. She didn’t respond.

“Tell me what you were thinking about.” He continued shouting “if something happened to you how would I…..” it took a huge effort but he stopped midway and broke his eye lock.

“I…what…Ronit?”

“I…How would I live without you?”

There was a long silent moment before he hugged her. She was so shocked that she couldn’t utter a word when she hugged him back. Out of a hundred of thousand of millions of moments only a few survive the storm of time, and at that very moment she knew this was one of those moments; the corner of the busy street, between loud horns and sandy surrounding where love expressed itself. It wasn’t the romantic garden, the soft music that unfolded their feelings. It weren’t the three words “I love you” that expressed what they felt, it were a few angry words. For love is not about day or place or words, it’s about feelings.

There are times when the words “I love you” are fake. There are times when unspoken feelings are true. But unfortunately more than often words wins over true feelings because the facade of words is too attractive to ignore.

I hope you never fall for that facade of words and recognize feelings over words but more importantly I wish you have that one person in your life who can listen to your silence as well.

Leaves fall...

Photo credit - Asha Dimri

What mattered yesterday doesn't matter today. Haven’t you ever laughed remembering those scolding from parents or teachers that seemed like the end of the world then? Well, I have. Those arguments with friends, fights with siblings, breaking of favorite toy, and many such issues that brought tears; doesn't it make us smile now?

Then grave issues from breaking of toy to breaking of heart, breaking of trust, breaking of precious friendships and many other things, everything that seemed so difficult then doesn't matter now.

I wonder then, what matters today may not matter tomorrow. Someday, we may simply smile at the issues that make us cry today. After all, what is going to last forever? Nothing and nobody; joy, pain, you, me, its all going to end. So why worry over temporary issues? Anger, regret, worries, it all will pass. Hadn’t it last time? But then, it ended after ending the charm or the day, or week, or month or sometimes even longer. By the time we are free from one unnecessary worry we are often gripped by other and then other and the chain goes on. How soon can we let go the negativity makes all the difference in the life we live. The day will end at its own pace but the negativity can end at our will. The sooner the better.

So taking a lesson I promise myself I won’t let that unnecessary anger or worry be a spoiler next time. And I wish the same for you. I wish you countless beautiful & carefree todays that make your life.

Good Bye Delhi

It was around 2.5 years back. I was very upset. After all I had to leave Vadodara, a place that saw me growing from an infant to a grown up, from a daughter to a mother.

So with a heavy heart I moved to Delhi. Having heard about innumerable crimes occurring daily in Delhi I thought of it as a different world altogether. Weeks passed in total isolation with me shutting up myself in my home. Every time the doorbell rang I thought there was a criminal out there. Looking back, I just laugh at my apprehensions. Weather didn’t suit us either and my four year old landed up in hospital and on ventilator for one night. But there was more to come and a year passed in fighting with situations, some of which were life changing.

But then what was the use of complaining? In small steps I learned to adjust to change; climate, place, people and situations, but the process of changing wasn't useless, it never is. I promised myself I will accept life as it comes. I learnt different perspectives. Delhi is a place that will force you to open up, get out of your comfort zone and speak up for yourself. It was a process of growing up and constant learning for me and so as seasons passed I started liking the place and its people.

And just as I mingled with the place, things changed. We had to move back to Vadodara. Was I happy or sad? I don’t know but moving from one state to another with two kids and one just 6 months old was not easy. But then I reminded myself the promise I made to myself – accept life as it comes, so I prepared myself for my 6^th house shifting in last 7 years. I am now all set in Vadodara, not really eager but ready for my next shifting.

Looking back, Delhi gave me some lessons, some memories, some good friends and my most precious gift, my son Aryan who just turned 7 months. But most importantly it taught me tough time makes us tougher. So a big thanks to Delhi before I say goodbye Delhi.

Forever...

Photo credit - Asha Dimri

He waved a goodbye to his family as he left for the war. But then before entering the train he walked back to his family. Goodbye becomes tougher when you are not sure it’s not the last one.

He tried hard to conceal his pain as he lifted his daughter and kissed her.

“Daddy, why is mumma crying?” she asked as he put her down.

“She will miss me.”

“Tell her you will come back soon and then we will stay together. Forever.” her brown eyes twinkled with hope.

Forever… the word lingered in the air, the weight of that word was so much that he couldn't reply.

“Promise?” she asked.

“Promise” He forced a smile and walked towards his wife.

“You promised me you will be strong.” He took her hand in his.

“It’s not easy but I am trying.” She couldn’t make it any more than a whisper.

They hugged before he got into the train. He wished the time to stop then and there, he wanted to spend some more time with her daughter, get amazed by her crazy talks, be with his wife and enjoy all the caring, be with his mother and support her through her last days but alas this wasn’t his destiny. Warfield was waiting for him with uncountable struggles.

He waved them as long as he could see them, and long after that. He wondered what his daughter must be talking about; moon or stars or dolls or fairies? He imagined his wife smiling at her crazy stories, imagined his mother singing lullabies to her daughter.  For he knew Imagination was the only place he could meet them; at least for a long time to come. Or forever?

He fought bravely for his country, for people he didn’t knew, for you, for me, for people who were not connected to him but still connected. But then one day in the war field, a small bullet robbed him of his big dreams.

And as his heartbeats slowed down…

The last sound he heard was the deafening noise of bombs and bullets…and then a dead silence in which echoed the sweet voice of his little princess…promise…

The last sight he saw was of countless dead bodies, smoke and dust….and then it all vanished…he saw her daughter running towards him, her favorite doll still in her hand.

The last touch he felt…of bullet… and once again he drifted towards imagination…touch of her tender hug… and with it he lost the touch of a desire to be with his family forever…forever…

Forever… the word reverberated as he closed his eyes, for the last time.

Death of a soldier is not a single death, it is death of a mother, a father, a sister, a wife, a child, it is death of a family, of uncountable dreams, thousand unmet promises and infinite hopes. A life goes out and a body returns; the pain is unfathomable, his family was a partner in his bravery and his sacrifices. Family of a soldier deserves a salute as well.

“Mumma, why papa is sleeping, why is he not talking to me?” the little princess asked when the dead body came home, unaware of what she has lost. 

Mumma had no reply for her painfully innocent questions; her questions only led mumma to cry louder.

Did I say something wrong? She wondered “I am sorry mumma, why are you crying? Actually it is good, he is sleeping so now he won’t go back. He will stay with me forever.” she pained mumma further in lieu of comforting her.

It would be long before she would understand that all her dreams to spend a life with her father were unreal, when she would see other children her age sitting on their dad’s shoulder she would just look around searching for her lost father. But…He was gone. Forever? The word was same but the meaning it carried was not, it transformed completely; from hope to pain and dreams to emptiness.

But in spite of all the diversity it entailed forever was not a fake word. He was gone and not yet gone. He lived forever in memories of his loved ones and in the freedom we are proud of.

5 ways to enhance your beauty

Photo credit - Animesh Nautiyal

Looking beautiful is every woman’s dream or I can say every person’s dream. But if you think I will discuss makeup tips here you have arrived at the wrong place. What I will share are ways to look beautiful – inside and outside.

     1)    Put on your Smile:

We always smile while portraying for a photo. Why? Because we look beautiful when we smile but why confine our smile to that one moment. Lets smile and spread smiles. Agreed, red, pink or purple shade might adorn your lips, but not as much as your beautiful smile does. You don’t even need to worry if it’s smudged or gone. And it doesn’t even harm your pocket ;).

      2)   Wear your confidence:

It doesn’t really matters which brand clothes, shoes or jewellery your wear, whether it cost 500 or 5000, whether it’s western or traditional. What is important is how comfortable you are with your choices. Confident people radiate energy that is infectious.

3) Shed self criticism:

It is more important than shedding those extra calories you worry about. If there are people who criticize you for being overweight, remember they will be the first one to advise you to eat healthy if you lose weight. Too tall, too short, too thin, too fat…there are plenty of people out there to criticize you, don’t add yourself in that unwanted crowd. I am sure you would like to look real and real people have flaws. Be the person who has maturity to appreciate and see beauty everywhere. And start with seeing that beauty in yourself.

      4) Appreciate your age:

Getting older? Congrats. Everyone does. My 5 year old is going to get old and so is my new born going to. Those thin lines starting to peep from your forehead, does that bother you? Well it shouldn’t. They are just a witness of the path you have travelled, the hardships you have survived and the wisdom you have gained in those struggles. Age brings grace, but only to those who don’t fear it.

     5)  Don’t worry too much about looking beautiful:

Sounds odd? Specially in this post... But believe me no one is going to observe the slightly darker shade on your forehead or the slight crow feet appearing around your eyes except you and except people who are born to criticize.  So stop worrying about small things. Worry takes away that special glow from you face that makes you beautiful.

Beauty is not about flawless skin or perfect figure, beauty is how you feel about yourself. If you think you are beautiful you are, if you think you are not, still you are, because you are a creation of god and no creation of god can be flawed.  So admire yourself and have a beautiful day ahead.

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My main website : www.alkadimrisaklani.com

In Search of Love

Photo credit - Asha Dimri

For long she wandered in search of love, acceptance and happiness but what she found never satisfied her for it was always incomplete.

In a long silent moment she connected with herself trying hard to find the answers of the unanswered questions. Where was she wrong? What was the reason for the overwhelming emptiness inside her? Why was she never sure she was loved and cared for?

And then she realized that she had failed the single relation in her life that was the most important – her relation to herself.

She had been able to and sometimes not able to fulfil what other desired of her but did she even know what she wanted from herself?

She had been able to or not able to keep others happy but did she even know why she was never happy?

Because in loving others she forgot to love herself, she had compromised with her identity then how could she expect others to understand her? And the emptiness inside her grew manifold when she realized she had lost herself, a mere reflection of her real self was left.

She had cried innumerable times while she failed to gain love and acceptance outside but for the first time she realized what she had lost and she cried for herself. But this time it was different. Her tears didn’t carry only pain.

With the first tear she shed self doubt and self criticism.

With the second tear she shed her search for love outside.
With the third tear she shed the fear of rejection.

And it didn’t end here, she freed countless negativity with each tear…and then…after long… she smiled…a true smile and promised to accept, respect and most importantly love herself. And happiness had no choice but to follow her for she had found a long lost friend; herself. 

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My main website : www.alkadimrisaklani.com